I'm not that person
by ProFfeSseR
Summary: Post chapter 14 and 15. Luke wants to make up with Lorelai... contains no spoilers of new episodes


_A/N: It's a one piece story. It's post chapter 14 and 15, and wrote it while I was supposed to make homework. I got this in my mind and my homework wasn't progressing, so I lay it down and started writing this. I doubted about posting it but I sent it to my beta and she loved it. So thanks Claudia, you're the best! And to you, I hope you like it, and please let me know how you feel about it!_

**I'm not that person**

Lorelai worked a lot after the night Luke came to her house. She decided she didn't want be that kind of woman. It wasn't her. She couldn't stay in bed for days, not eating anything, just because of a man. If he didn't want to be with her, so be it. It didn't mean it wasn't hard. The ribbons all over town, most stuff in her house, it all reminded her of him, and with that their break-up. It went a little better every day. She made a Luke box where she put in all of his stuff, and placed it in the closet.

She avoided the diner when she went to work, just so she wouldn't have to face him. Not because she couldn't handle it of course, but because it would be to rough for him. Her breakfast and coffee she got at Weston's. Of course, it wasn't as good as his, not anything like his, but it was doing it for her.

The first time she saw him was in her garage. When he was ranting about her not being at the elementary school to make the costumes. She had been working on them for nights in her own house. She forgot all about signing up Luke as well, and she never thought he would do it. And here he was, looking like he really cared, angry at her because she wasn't where she, as he said, was supposed to be.  
He took away the boat. Without notifying her. The pain she felt when she saw the boat in front of the diner. How could he do that to her? He could have called. He could have left her a note. And worst of all, he didn't even see that he was wrong.

During the song at the school play, all she wanted to do was tell him that she loved him. She had to swallow away the lump in her throat, and she felt the tears stinging in her eyes. She noticed him glancing at her, but he said nothing. They had a moment, but the kids interrupted it and than he just walked away, without looking at her again. So she did the same. She walked away and knew she had to go on with her life.

She loved the quality time she got to spent with Rory. For the first time in a year and a half, her daughter visited her 3 or 4 times a week. They watch a movie together, shared dinner and some of the nights, Rory even stayed instead of going back to Yale.

Lorelai pushed Luke out of her mind after the evening at the elementary school. Of course she missed him, but she forbid herself to think about him, as if he never existed. The only time of the day, where it didn't work to push him out of her mind, was as soon as she fell asleep. Unconscious, she was unable to keep him away from her mind, and she had one dream after another. Some of the time about the happy times they shared, and other times about the break-up. She woke up in a sweat, tears rolling over her cheeks at least 3 or 4 times a night. She didn't allow herself to wallow as soon as she woke up. She wiped away the tears and pushed the thoughts out of her mind again. She went to the bathroom to clear her mind, and tried to fall back asleep, hoping the dreams would stay away. But they wouldn't.

After another rough night, a little more than a week after the school play, Lorelai gave up around 6. She got up, took a shower and went downstairs to make herself breakfast. She smelled coffee as soon as she descend the stairs.

"Rory?" She walked into the kitchen, but no-one was there. She checked her daughters bedroom, but the bed was made, and the room looked like no-one had been there in 2 days. She walked back into the living room and when she looked outside the window, she saw him. Luke. He had a brown bag in his hands, which is probably where the smell of coffee came from.

She doubted the sight in front of her for a minute, before opening the front door. "Hey."

Luke turned around at the sound of her voice. She saw the bags under his eyes. He looked extremely tired and he hadn't shaved for over a week.

"Can I come in?" He asked her. She was hesitant, but didn't want to have any conversation in public. She knew that Babette would probably eavesdrop if they stayed outside, and she couldn't handle that either. Not after their conversation in the supermarket. So, without a word she stepped inside and let him into her house.

"I brought you breakfast." He handed her the take-out bag.

"Thanks, she said, as she took the bag from him and placed it onto the coffee table, without opening it. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to apologize. I want you to know how sorry I am for everything that happened. I kept asking for more time to think, but I don't need it anymore. I'm wasting time I'd rather spent with you." His eyes begged her for forgiveness.

"I can't do this Luke." She told herself to be strong. "I can't be with you right now."

"What?" He looked at her, shocked. It's not that he expected her to be happy when he finally came to senses, but he didn't expect this…

"I'm sorry Luke, but I can't do this. Whenever things get rough, you walk away. You've always done that. You solve your problems by running away, and I had a very rough time dealing with it this time, but I can't do it again. If I let you back in my life, you will run away again when things get rough again. And things will be rough when we fight for this relationship. First my parents, who I can totally shut out of my life. I told you this, but you don't believe me. But the truth is, I've done it before, and back than I was only 16. I'm an adult now, I don't need my parents. And Christopher. I don't ever want to see him again. Of course, he was my friend, but what he did was completely out of line. I don't care if Rory continues to see him, but I don't ever want to see him again. And I tell you this, but you don't believe that either."

"I…" She stopped him as she continued to talk.

"The truth is, my mother is the same person she has always been. For years I came to get a cup of coffee after Friday night dinner, just to get all the emotions of the evening out. You always listened to me, and still you didn't believe the way my parents really are. That is, until we started dating and they wanted to re-meet you. You thought it wouldn't be so bad, but it was. Just like I knew it would be. Normally I don't care what my mother thinks. I live my own life, and I don't need her approval, even though it would be nice to get it once. And that's what I wanted, her to approve you. This amazing man who cares so much about me. The first relationship where I see a future. With every guy I dated, I didn't see myself getting married, not even with Max. But when my mother was looking for a dress for her 'wedding', I found a nice dress. I held it in front of me and looked at myself in the mirror. My mother asked me if I ever wanted to get married, and for the first time in my life I could say 'Yes'. And it was you I wanted to marry.

When Rory came by the day after we talked at the market, she found me crying in bed. I told her how I messed up with you, and I have. I should have told you, and there is no excuse why I didn't. I told her that you could have be the one. But the truth is that I know you are. I became the girl I never wanted to become, because I lost the love of my life. The only guy in my life I truly loved…love. And in the process I also lost my best friend. I called you in one of those wallowing moods. The second I hung up I realized what I did and went to your apartment to get the tape.  
When I came home you where there. Just exiting my house. Of course you came, because that's the kind of guy who you are. But I realized I couldn't be that girl anymore. So I told you I'd respect your wishes, even though at the moment all I wanted to do was to collapse in your arms, and to cry forever, while you hold me and told me things would be okay again. I watched you walk away, and noticed that you looked sad, too. It made me want to turn around and scream to you that you couldn't walk away. I almost did, but my limbs didn't work. All they did was let me fall down, and once more I cried. That's the last time I let myself. After that I tried so hard to become the woman I am, and whenever I was awake, I was doing a great job, until now."

Luke let her talk, knowing he had to give her the time to explain herself, he wanted to tell her so much too. When she paused he asked "What do you want to do now?"

"I want you to leave." She had to turn away when she saw the sadness in his eyes. "I can't be in this relationship now Luke. This is how things will always be. When you told me about your dark day, you finally opened up, but only for so little. After that day, you became your old self again. You never tell me how you feel, and if things get too complicated, you run away. You don't want to deal with anything or anybody. This time I survived, but I can't anymore. You told me you were all in, but the truth is you're not. If you were, you wouldn't have walked away now, and you would have told me more. I've loved you for a long time Luke, and I will love you forever, whether we are together or not."

She stopped talking, and they both got lost in their thoughts, until he broke the silence. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking how badly I want to be in your arms right now, how I want to feel your lips against mine and to stay with you for the rest of my life." She brushed away a few tears from her eyes.

He came closer to her, wanting to take her in her arms, but she stood up and walked away. "No, don't, I can't. You asked me what I wanted, but I can't do it. I'm sorry. I want you to leave now." She didn't faced him. She knew that she couldn't keep up this strong thing if she saw him. This is the hardest thing she ever did in her life, but it was the only way to protect herself from ever getting hurt again.

"Please, you told me you can change, and so can I. I can learn to open up. We're both stubborn, but I can be all in. I promise you. I can be a good boyfriend, like you can be a good girlfriend. And I want to share the rest of my life with you, good and bad."

"No." She couldn't give in, even though she wanted to so badly. "I really want you to leave now."

He looked at her, and wiped away a tear from his own eyes. She noticed this, but tried to ignore the fact that he was showing emotions. When she didn't say anything, he stood up and walked out the door.

She watched him walk away. She couldn't hold in the tears as she heard him close the door behind him. It was like time was standing still and her life flashed by. As a kid, when she got Rory, her life at the independence inn. The first time she met Luke. How he became her friend and later her boyfriend. And how she lost him. And how she lost him again, probably forever now. She saw flashes of her future, alone, with lots of cats around her house. A future without Luke. That's when she new, this isn't what she wanted. What had she done. Whatever woman she turned in now, this isn't who she wanted to be either. All she wanted to be was happy, with Luke, and now it was too late. 'All those thoughts, it must have been an hour I've been standing here, and ruined my life forever by doing so.' But the truth was, it were only a few seconds. She ran to the door, just to see that he was really gone. She saw him just leaving her driveway. She screamed "Luke."

He stopped and turned around when she ran towards him. Tears were everywhere now. When she almost reached him she fall over her own feet. She was lucky she was running over the grass, instead of the tiles of her driveway. He was with her in a seconds, kneeling down next to her. "Are you okay"

"No." She cried.

"Where are you hurt?" He looked more concerned than he ever did.

She placed her hand over her heart and said "Here."

"What?" He was confused now.

She cried. "I don't want to be this woman either. I need you. I can't be alone. I want it to work, you and me. I need us to work. I know what I just said, but I lied. I don't want you to leave. I saw how my life was going to be without you, and I know how it's been the past few weeks, and it's not good. I can't handle it. I need you. I wanted to be independent and not the girl who needs anybody, but I've always needed you, and… I love you and I need to be with you. And…" She wanted to say more, but the sobs made it impossible for her to speak.

He took her in his arms. This time, she didn't push away and let herself cry while he held her. This is the place she wanted to be from the moment he told her he couldn't be in the relationship anymore. And now she's glad she finally let herself. She was exhausted, exhausted from the lack of sleep she had the past few weeks, and exhausted from fighting all the feelings she was suppressing. But for the first time in weeks she had the feeling that things would be okay again. When she opened her eyes to face Luke, she noticed he was crying to. They both forget that they were in her garden, and didn't noticed Babette standing in front of her window, watching the couple hold each other tight. In her hand she had her phone, held up against one ear, probably to call miss Patty. They didn't notice her, and for once, if they had noticed they wouldn't have cared. All that mattered was that they were together again, and this time it was forever. They had promised each other to be more open, and the fact that they were crying was a very good sign that things would work out this time. They already started to open up. Of course, there still had to be a lot of talking, but during these talks, nothing would be left out, and that new found openness, would be the base to hold their relationship together.


End file.
